The following post contains mild spoilers for “It Follows”. If you haven’t seen the movie, go look at some more kittens.
From director David Robert Mitchell, It Follows is the breakout horror hit of the year. It’s success can largely be attributed to the simple concept at the heart of it’s story. Have rumpty with a person afflicted by the follows, and you get to join the death club. Being the last notch on an accursed bedpost, means you will be followed by a slow moving nasty that will kill you when it catches up.
I lay awake at night thinking about this film. Furrowed of brow and drenched in sweat, I clutch my pillow as a question fizzes around my brain like a mint in a coke bottle.
What would I do?
Here, I shall attempt to lay out my sleep deprived solutions. So any of you who may be contemplating a demonic bunk up, can be one step ahead.
Water is your friend
It’s demonstrated in the movie that Shuffles isn’t fond of the blueish, wet stuff, most of us call water. Being as we live on a planet that is basically a bunch of water with some bits of dirt in it, you would be foolish not to take advantage of this. Even if he could swim or walk along the bed of an ocean, this is bound to slow him up. Fly 5,000 miles and you have bought yourself a year. Even better, wait six months and fly back. The silly sod would have to turn round and start back in the opposite direction. If you repeat this enough times, there’s a good chance he might be eaten by sharks or speared by Japanese whale hunters.
Another option could be to move into a house surrounded by a moat. The trick here is that you will need to have two drawbridges, so that you always leave and enter from the one Shuffles isn’t waiting by.
Join the Circus
You need to keep on the move. Why not combine that with the joy of providing entertainment? If we’re operating on horror movie rules, your circus will be drummed out of town on a regular basis. Also, this would give you the opportunity to escape atop an elephant. Always the greatest of the escapes.
Go to Work for NASA
This is a bit of a stretch I’ll admit, but if you could swing a stint on the International Space Station, you would in effect have Shuffles at a loss. Can you walk across space? I don’t think so matey. He would be left with no option but to give it up as a bad idea and take up bird watching or something.
Join a Cult
If we’re to believe what we see on the telly, these cult people are having it away with each other on a regular basis. All you need to do is pass the curse on immediately on arrival and let nature take it’s course. If one or two cult members turn up folded in half, up sticks for another cult and star the process again. You might get herpes, but at least you’ll be alive.